I've come to this stage in life where I am always tired. I'm not sure if my body is telling me that my metabolism is seriously putting on the brakes, or if I'm still overdoing it, or my stress is through the roof..... Whatever the cause, I am ALWAYS tired. I actually fell asleep on the couch the other night at 9:30PM. Michael woke me up at 11:30 so I could stumble upstairs to bed. Got in the bed by 11:45 - and was zonked out again. I don't think I moved until my alarm went off at 6:30..... and even then, I couldn't get up. This isn't like me. I've always been a morning person. Able to get up, get moving, and then stay up until the break of dawn.... and then I'd do it all over again the next day. Now, not so much.
And yet, even in this weird tiredness, I find that I'm in a good place. I've finished grad school. I'm job hunting (which I haven't done in quite a while). I've got great friends that I'm lucky enough to see on a regular basis. It's odd.... but for me, when I hit 40, I really came into my own. I tried to make improvements to MY life (emphasis on my life simply because I did these things for ME). I really wanted to come out and let everyone know me as Mary.... not Michael's wife, or the twins' mother, or the drama mom (I was president of the drama boosters at my boys' high school), or the chorus mom, or the band mom, or anything else that I've been involved in that did not allow others to see me for me. It was as if a switch in my head got turned on.... and I started working on me. I began building my identity for who I am, and who I wanted to be outside of all of those other things. Oddly enough, this process created some issues with jealousy for Michael. But, for me, I'm happier now in my own skin than what I've been in quite a while. Which I guess was the goal of this process.
So, for others that may be reading this... I hope that everyone has the opportunity to find themselves. To figure out who you are and where you want your life to go.... So many people walk around aimlessly, never really knowing or understanding their potential. I'm fortunate that I've taken time to at least focus on my potential. I may not understand it, but I know that I have it. And that makes me happy..... tired, but happy.
